A Sketch of Happiness

as written in my diary.

well. it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? it’s the wee hours of this new friday. at this time last year, i was all about the kind of air my dong bang boys were breathing. now? now…i don’t know. happiness is a fleeting dream in my life i live…mainly in the form of junsu. when i see him laugh and smile and when i hear him sing, i am happy. I’m not depressed ( i think ) but i feel pretty worthless tonight. My best friend (who I’ll name Mina for privacy purposes) is visiting from Maryland. She’s in my room, sleeping (or trying at least). and here i am, in my living room, writing (welll…typing). It helps me relax. or at least get everything out of my system. Since she’s been here, I’ve been happy though.

well, as close to being happy as i have been in a while. The past few months, smiling/laughing was hard. I did it all the time, but i lost the emotion. All of May and June were about hardcore studying for me (psh, like it helped anyway). Everything was focusfocusfocus.

I remember, the monday after school ended, I woke up at 9:00 and freaked out because i thought i was beyond late for school. halfway through putting on my jeans, i realized i was on break.

I feel like my life has become unproductive and worthless because all i know is school work. That made me tear a little. Since Mina has been here, I’ve realized that i can’t do shit. She can cook, wash clothes properly, recognize plants/ food, isn’t as boy crazy as me, washes dishes and etcetc. She’s everything my parents want me to be. Next to her, I feel like I’m not good enough. Today I saw my mom look so appreciatively at Mina because she was able to describe bigon choka (this is essentially fried eggplant with veggies) to one of my tenants (whom i endearingly call Dee in this post). I’ve never really seen my mom look at me that way – not even when i pulled off my first 100 at stuy ( which i worked so so so hard for ).

When I thought about it, i didn’t learn this stuff because i didn’t have the time. I want to learn how to make roti (this is complicated to explain. wiki it. it’s delicious!), but i have to study for a test. I don’t know what i want anymore. I want to be a good Guyanese daughter, but i also want to be  good student. Since Mina has been here, I realize that i am more of an uncultured swine than i thought.

My mom and i don’t have a close relationship because all I’ve known since i was young was schoolwork.  My mom doesn’t know much about school work. she stopped helping me with my homework in 3rd grade. Whilst my mom may not be the brightest, she makes up for it in wit and can cook better than most people. people always come to her to make food for parties. i am so very proud of her abilities.

I guess all she can do is stand on the sidelines of my life and hope i do well, cheering me on – even when i can’t hear her because I’m struggling to keep the ball in my possession.  It’s the same when she’s cooking/cleaning or what have you. I can only throw in minimal hints because i have no idea what to do.

I do love my mom, and i know she loves me…but does she know me? does she know my favorite color changes with my mood? does she know that when i have nightmares, i cry in my sleep and i muffle my screams? does she know how i got the burn mark under my right hand, below my wrist? The same goes for me. What’s her favorite color? What is she scared of? Does she have scars? It’s harder then you might think for me to just go up to my mother and ask her these things. One time i was at someones house, and this old lady from our church called me over to talk with me. Halfway through she told me “You know, you’re just like your mother. You are very quiet and polite. You listen well, but I can’t tell if you care. You give off the impression that you are only friendly when you trust. You don’t trust people easily…I can see it in your eyes. You smile at people and act like you do. But just like your mother, you don’t trust.”

She surprised me. I don’t look like my mother. People never think we’re related. This was one of the highest forms of praise I had ever received. To be told that I was, in fact, something like my mother made me very happy.

My little brother. I push him away so often. I try not to have anything to do with him. why? I don’t know. yeah, he’s a bit odd, but come on, is it necessary to be mean to him? why can’t i be civilized to him? why don’t i play the games he wants to play with me? Why can’t I hug him when he’s sad? Why can’t i always be there for him? Why am i so bad at protecting him? Why do i have to keep so many secrets from him? why can’t we be closer? So many questions and very little answers.

and my dad. My daddy. I cry the most when i think about him. I love him so much. Do you know how hard it is for me to think about my dad? This is the guy i used to talk to for hours about anything and everything. This was the person who taught me how to use a sanitary napkin because my mom wasn’t home ( and i don’t find this embarassing or weird. if you knew my dad you’d understand.) he is fearless, strong, brave and compassionate. He’s everything to me. 

Why is it the one thing i’m good at is pushing people away? I’m a stranger in my own house. This scares me. i don’t know these people. I spend more time without them. Sometimes, it’s awkward to have a conversation. Sometimes we only say the basics and pleasantries such as “Good Morning. Good Evening. Did you have a good day? Will you eat now?” When did these become my mantras? Why do i feel like I’ve lost my family?

and (for privacy and to save myself form embarrassment if he reads this, we’ll name him EunHyuk, even though he’s not korean and hates super junior…it took me a week to learn super juniors name and…3 months to learn his name… ) and EunHyuk. a beautiful, gorgeous, unpredictable, wonderful and unnecessary distraction in my life. This is the first time I’ve explicitly stated that I like a boy. I won’t put too many details, but i really like him and he makes me happy. and i don’t know why. it’s best that i not hope. That way i don’t get hurt.

Aside from the fact that this is the longest entry EVER, I feel that it’s necessary to point out that in a month and 9 days i will be a junior. words can’t describe the immense fear that i can’t contain. I am deathly afraid of my junior year. Even though I’ve been trying to play it down, my fears are starting to get the best of me. I’m so scared I’ll do poorly and disappoint so many people.

Anyway, it’s like 3:15 and I feel legitly tired for the first time in a long time.

A bit of good news? I got my first ever paycheck today.

congrats shannon.

you did well.

I’m proud of you.